Returning to Diamond Island

As you all may remember, I chose to leave Diamond Island because I saw a war brewing. I was fearful that the fish would attempt to murder me or that I would get stuck in the middle of a huge war between East Diamond Island and West Diamond Island. Those were scary times. However, I decided that conditions on the island were safe enough for my return. Plus, I just couldn't turn down the invite to a seafood banquet! The times are still dangerous, however, and since my return I have taken the following precautions to protect myself from death. Because you never know. Island diplomacy is still a bit... well... fishy. 

My List of Precautions in this Dangerous Time on the Island:

1) I decided to move away from the beach to avoid possible fish attacks striking the coastline. I have purchased a secluded home in the mountains of Diamond Island, near the middle of the Eastern Half. It's safer here, away from the coast. No more beachy weather or building sandcastles, or mermaid watching. Oh, but no more fish danger either.

My beachfront home is for sale! Any takers? You might get eaten up by fish but thats okay because I need to sell this now.

No, you can't come in... you're probably a fish in disguise. Unless you're volunteering to be my dinner. I sea food!

My new home is somewhere way up there... but you can't have my address in case you're a fish.

2) I have an escape plan. In the event of more fish attacks, I board my private helicopter, and off I go in the Speedboat Island Queen gave me as a return present!

3) Oh, and don't worry, my diet includes large amounts of seafood. 

Yes. I'm on a seafood only diet.

I truly hope that there is no more war on the island so that it may be my permanent residence. I don't want to have to leave again! However, if the fish don't return to the sea and Diamond Island isn't re-united within 2 months, I'm afraid I will have to move off the island permanently.

What Happened To World Peace?

With all of these fish rebellions and the splitting of the island, we might as well just call this blog Partial Island Dominance. 

Sound familiar, anyone? History Repeating itself...

Due to the recent violence that has occurred on Diamond Island, I have made the decision to move my residence off of the island until World Peace and Total Dominance has been restored. I feel like our government has become corrupt and there is way too much violence which is obscuring our original vision for peace. I will only move back to the island when I receive my long awaited invitation to the Grand Seafood Banquet! (which has been delayed for quite too long) For now, I say goodbye to all my fellow islanders and depart in...

a lovely green canoe!

Is there something wrong with that? The airfares were a bit ridiculous for this time of year so, I'm taking a different approach. Wish me luck on my trip to my new residence. I will blog when I arrive. For now, I will stay on this heart shaped Island, watching the news every night, awaiting the end of the violence on Diamond Island.

- Diamo N. Dgiver (The Diamond Giver)

Some Thoughts Regarding Peace, War, and Seafood Banquets

This war is really getting out of hand. I mean, why can't there be peace!!! Fish belong in the water or on my plate (oops I shouldn't have said that second part but its too late) So why can't we be in peace? (However, I must admit, the war has allowed me to capture some great battle photos:)

I got hit by a couple fish in the process, but I ended up with this great photo and a delicious seafood dinner!

Oh fish... they are the reason that I went pescatarian. I'm just a bit upset right now, it seems Island Queen's chefs have had a bit - or maybe a lot - of difficulty preparing the seafood banquet, seeing as sea creatures have taken over 21/23 of the island that was bought with the giant diamond that I spent years looking for. I don't know what I'm going to do if they get their hands fins on that diamond!!!! I'm kinda worried that they might cut it up, and make it into something horrid like this:

I didn't spend all of that time selecting the diamond just for it to be turned into a piece of jelewry for a fish that should have been my dinner! I've had enough. I think I'm going to make some posters and go protest this fish rebellion. So maybe we should have peace. (I'd like to point out that most of the planet's surface is already water, so I don't understand why you fish need to bother our peaceful and lovely island. Now back to the water!) Oh, but it looks so sweet and innocent!!! 

- Diamo N. Dgiver (The Diamond Giver)

Choosing which diamond to give the island queen was very difficult. I knew that she would only go to homecoming if I gave her an expensive enough diamond, so I had to search the world for the right one. This is the story of how I sought out the largest diamond in the world.


I heard that the largest diamond in the world was in Prussia, so I had to get on a plane and fly over there for a weekend. When I arrived, I found an old woman named Ethel tried to sell me this giant diamond. She requested $25 trillion and claimed it was a family heirloom. Humpf! When I brought it back to the US, I realized that it was made out of plastic. I had to sue Ethel to get the money back. This put me behind schedule, because Island Queen was expecting her diamond around that time, and was upset that I wasn't prompt with its delivery. Its actually Ethel's fault that world peace was delayed. There she is with the fake diamond...

So I was forced to continue my search. I saw the Hope Diamond in a Museum in Washington, DC, but after talking with the museum director we decided that the diamond wasn't nearly large enough for the island queen. Plus a lot of the people who had previously owned it had died (just to add a little sinister aspect to the story.) 

I researched everywhere, and the diamond in Washington seemed to be the largest I could find! There was only one other option; to go to a mine and find the world's largest diamond by myself. After visiting 34 countries, I finally went to Guatemala and found the PERFECT one in an underground mine. One of the miners tried to grab it from me, but I hid it in a plastic bag shopping bag after that and disguised it as my lunch. 

On the trip back it got all dirty, and I had to hire a large team to polish it 24 hours a day for 6 and half days. Time was running out, and of course the diamond had to look presentable before it was given to Island Queen. Finally, on a certain day in 2010 at a certain french bakery in a certain place on a certain continent, the diamond was given to Island Queen. Of course, I had to have special security forces follow me into the restaurant. Thus began world peace... Thats the story in short. I had to keep certain details secret of course, and if you're wondering, I can't post a picture of the diamond. Its too glorified to be photographed.